Part 1
By Tom Heeremans
I will kiss a girl by the end of this school year.
I bloody well will, or my name isn’t Tom Heeremans.
Considering that it’s April now, and the school year ends in July, I don’t have a lot of time to do it. I’m not sure why I haven’t kissed anyone in the past – but it’s become apparent to me that year 10 is the regular age to overcome this hurdle, and the more socially adept ones in my friend group have already completed this task; in other words, I don’t want to be left behind in the dust of my buddies, who will probably get married before I even have my first kiss.
I’m not sure why it hasn’t happened in the past – I’d always assumed it was something that would just happen to me in a flash of blinding light, in a particularly ratty stall in the McDonald’s toilets. However, I am capable of seeing my flaws, and I think I have discovered why it hasn’t happened yet.
- I have an overarching tendency to be as camp as physically possible when meeting new girls. This immediately crosses myself off their lists, as they assume that I’m gay already, and by the time that I tell them otherwise, they’ve always moved on to other boys.
- I am extremely abnormal in new environments. This would not be such a problem if it was seen as funny, but in my case, shouting at a girl to “come forth” at someone’s birthday party isn’t seen as funny? Or how about when I called a girl Odysseus, numerous times, even after her regularly rectifying my “error”. Mistakes of the likes of these are somehow not seen as funny, but almost that the person saying them is quite insane.
- Facial beauty. This title is supposed to be ironic, because my face is far from pretty. A short description of myself – dirty blonde hair, blue eyes, and a tremendous amount of acne. If I had a small amount, dotted over my cheeks, then it could be referred to as cute. However, in my case, the acne spreads far and wide over my face, reaching from the bottom of my chin to the top of my forehead, occasionally settling in dense clouds under my fringe. If you put yourself in my shoes for a second, then it wouldn’t be particularly self motivating when your pimples number in the 100’s.
These reasons alone would probably mean that I would never have even gotten close to achieving my goal. However, in spite of all of the above, I have gotten close to kissing someone, but it always ends in me realising that the girl has been leading me by the soul for months, or some unfortunate event happens that ruins everything. An example of one unfortunate event would be that of Tianna Suchir.
Tianna Suchir
I’ve had some past experiences with girls; that is to say, I’ve got very close in some cases. The first girl on the list on my conquest was a certain Tianna Suchir. A girl of sorts in year six who would sit alone, away from the more popular group, choosing to dabble in her homework or with less popular girls than to associate with the gossip and drama of the cool girls. Of course, me being the year six little kingpin that I was, I decided to set up a very grandiose trap, hoping that she would eventually fall into my arms for the effort that I had gone to for this to work. So, with scheming success on our minds, me and my friends set up the scheme. The plan was, that she would walk into our science lessons, one of my friends would trip her up, and I would shout at him before valiantly putting my life on the line to help her to her feet, and pick up her books. I believed that such a plan would indeed make her fall in love with me, not doubt. So with my arsenal of tricks and traps up my sleeve, I swaggered into school on that Thursday morning, knowing that this was the day that would change my life. Come hell or high water, my year six self was prepared to do anything to get this girl.
Inevitably, the moment came. She was walking up the stairs to science, and all of us were in place. The tension was high, and we were all bound to our seats, ready to spring into action at a moments notice. She walked into the room. Time seemed to slow, and of course, through the infinite power of sod’s law, that’s when it all went wrong. My friend at the entrance, instead of putting his leg out to trip her like he was supposed to, he sweeps her legs clean off the floor with his leg, sending her flying into a desk. Then , in a feat of miscommunication not seen since the failure of the Enigma Machine, all my friends leap on her at once, asking her if she’s okay and offering to pick up her books. She is quite dazed at this point, so she is unable to do anything to protect herself as they all lift her up at once, making her rise into the air in a manner not dissimilar from that of the Angel Gabriel before slamming her onto her feet. As if it wasn’t bad enough, she then faints from the exertion of the moment. I knew from that point that she didn’t like me, and I should probably stop trying. But hell, I look back on that situation today and realise how funny I would have found it if it had happened today. Unfortunately for me, the next cases can be looked on with nothing but self-hatred for how incredibly stupid I was being.
Jericho Kingsworth
This was quite an interesting case. So much so that my year nine phase and mind was quite thrown by her. She was fiery, competitive, and she had air forces to boot. With a combination like that, it was hard not for my poor, young, naïve mind to be drawn to her. Unfortunately, this affection only lasted for a couple of weeks, having been slapped by her numerous times for reasons that are inexplicable to the average male. My face was so red by the end that I wasn’t sure whether to take a few colour photographs or to actually go and see a doctor. But, like a phoenix from the ashes, a new saviour came to pull me into a whole new web of sin.
Jessa Kendo
Somewhat by accident, after the case of Jericho Kingsworth, I found that not all girls at my new school were complete harridans in their own way. I found Jessa Kendo quite by accident, when we accidentally added her to a group chat for a gathering we were having. She was well liked at that time, so it came as no surprise that she was invited as well. I ended up chatting to her a lot, as she was a very kind, very open, and was blessed with some outstanding looks. in much the same way I had been drawn to Jericho, my mind and my eye were held captive by this new girl. She held an extraordinary amount of power over me, which should not really be happening in year nine. However, almost inevitably, we began to date, and it was at this time that the hood of deception was drawn over my eyes further. She drew me further and further into her web of sin and lead me around by the butterflies into my stomach to some absurd lengths, me making a fool of myself countless times for her own personal benefit. I was only able to catch a glimpse of how far under I had gone when I saw her talking to, and then kissing, another boy in our year, Jeremy. I was, so to speak, pretty fucking pissed. She was indifferent to my torrent of insults, with tears streaming down my face in the park next to our school. She only responded with a nonchalant shrug and just said: “He’s more of a man than you. He didn’t ask questions, and, by all means, he’s better looking than you.” Then she strode off, perhaps looking for Jeremy, the better man. But I gag the last laugh later on that week, when Jeremy and Jessa had a sudden breakup as a result of Jessa not liking his clothing choices for a party. I made sure to laugh as much as possible when she stormed off in a huff and she just looked at him, and I can safely say that that was probably one of the best experiences in my whole entire life. However my ongoing abstinence of not kissing anyone has presented itself as an issue, with the majority of my friends having ticked this box off their bucket list.
However, my past misadventures with Jessa have proven to me that I am unsuitable for the pleasures and products of the female world. For a while after this, I was battling with my homosexuality, which was a battle that I eventually won (I wouldn’t be writing this if I liked guys). Avoiding relationships and feelings from girls became a fun pastime, and for year, I was under the notion that being single and free is absolutely the way to go. However, my singleness began to eat away, and now all that I am is a festering soul craving a kiss to sate my unnatural lust.
However, I have now graduated into year 10, with a whole host of new contacts from other schools and a whole new expanse of girls to help me fulfill my end of the bet.
Now, through my matrix of contacts, buddies, and some slightly unpleasant people, I have come across some new females to try out.
One of which was quite the evil bitch.
I came into contact with Katie Wojack through a good friend of mine at school, and she seemed nice on the surface. Blessed kindly with long legs and a soft voice, I was yet again locked, and I fell directly for her trap, hook, line, and sinker. I met her at a Nando’s with some friends one day, and the going was easy, until the last moments of the day when she offered to get the bus with me. Colour me surprised when she actually boarded the bus alongside me, and I was hooked. No more loneliness for me, I thought that night, I can get this girl if it was what I truly craved. The noose of deception tightened, and I gave her my 100% attention. If I try to explain everything that went through my head at this moment then I would take the rest of the space that I have, so I’ll keep to the point. Our first “date” was in the KFC outside our school. This was, to me, quite a lovely experience. Also, the company of Mrs Wojack brought me into the contact of people from Orleans school, which got me my contacts there to come in handy if it was ever necessary. However, 2 dates later, all going well, I go in for the kiss, and she lurches out of the way like I’ve hung a live grenade in front of her lips.
“What are you doing?” She yelled “I wasn’t ready? Why didn’t you wait until I was ready?”
I couldn’t quite believe my ears. In films, in books, in every drama or comedy scheme ever conceived, there is always the concept that you are the one to decide whether she’s ready or not because you can feel it. However, the tables were turned harshly on me in this situation, and I felt quite, quite foolish. Nevertheless, I shut up the instincts in my head telling me to break it off immediately, and I plunged on forwards, pioneering the miserable world of being lead on. This happened for another 3 weeks, before I decided that enough was enough and I put an end to it. She lashed out, slapping me, and when I looked back she was sauntering off, looking for her friends to console her for her recent loss.
Obtaining girls of this species were my forte, as it seemed, and my instincts were telling me to leave the relationship world for good. Everybody knows that instincts are there for a reason, and I had chosen to ignore them for a long time. However, my odyssey was not over, not by a long shot, and I decided to strive forwards. This decision took me high and low through all lands, but it was at Lex Tomale’s party that shit really went bonkers.
Let me just get something straight. Year 10 parties; mix a couple of barrels of alcohol, about 350 people, and a light dusting of chaos to make the perfect hotchpotch of the kind, the mischievous, the tough, and the crackheads of the house. This combination was exactly the kind of environment that I needed. Nobody has a lot of idea where they are, what they will do, or how they will do it. The uncertainty in the air was thick and l planned to take full advantage of it.
Unfortunately, an environment with people who have drunk several cans of beer really seems to release another species of person that I hadn’t taken into account. This new species being the drunk people. This new type of person proved to be the largest obstacle yet in my misadventures.
Party Day
The day started beautifully. A blue sky, a warm sun, and all the prospects of what could happen lined out perfectly in front of me. Perhaps this was the day that I would get my first kiss. Perhaps I would soon be purged of the burden that had plagued my mind, body and soul for almost fifteen years now.
I arrived at Lex Tomale’s house at the time of 7’o clock. Right from the begging, I was already aware that things would spiral totally out of control. I was also aware that Lex was infamous in the community for his insane parties, where nothing went to plan and all things sane were turned on their heads. I was dearly hoping that this would be the night to remember, that I would have my first kiss.
Unfortunately, this night was not going to go to plan. As said before, The only fact that remains consistent at Lex’s parties are that nothing is ever consistent. No, I would not have my first kiss this night. Not by a long shot.
I didnt know that I wouldn’t be having my first kiss that night at that point, obviously, so you can imagine my panic and elation as several girls all stagger in, already drunk. But that wasn’t even the best part. The best part was when my good buddy Phillip Scrone rolled up to the party, several bottles of vodka and a seemingly limitless supply of beer all concealed in his abnormally large jacket. I realised at that point that my chances for obtaining a kiss were almost guaranteed, as not many people would know what they were doing once they were heavily intoxicated.
Thusly, my mindset was set. It was only a quarter of the way through the party when I saw someone kissing someone else, and the number of those performing this act only increased through the night. Unfortunately, there was only one obstruction blocking my imminent success. My impending drunkness seemed to be hindering my plan. Instead of focusing on the task at hand, my brain seemed more focused on having a great time partying with other drunk people when I should have been seeking out a person who was willing to latch on to my face to help settle my challenge.
However, in a strange turn of events that I can’t seem to remember, I was pulled into the strange world of the devils lettuce. Weed had never had any part in my life before this moment, but my strongly intoxicated mind decides that it would be a great idea to fuck myself even more than I had previously. Thus, going outside with 4 guys, 1 zoot and seemingly pleasant intentions seemed to be the perfect recipe for disaster.
And what a tremendous disaster it was. We were halfway through the zoot, almost enjoying the sensations. I had only had one hit when we heard the voice.
“Hey! What do you fucking kids think you’re doing on my property!”
I could try to explain my feelings at this point in time, but I don’t think I’m mentally equipped to describe the emotion at this point. Like that knife through butter, that voice had cut clean across any enjoyment I had previously had. Now, my friend Tarquin had smoked weed many times before, but never had he been caught. I saw his soul leave his body right before my eyes, and he froze, paranoia setting in. He said one word, which was all it took for us to spring into action.
“Run.”
We sprinted, we bobbed, we weaved, throughout countless streets, and we were still running by the time that the incident happened.
As mentioned previously, I was heavily intoxicated and tired as well, so it should come as no surprise that the effect that the weed had was a negative one.
All of it hit me at once, like an evolutionary sledgehammer. I was still running when all of my blood rushed straight from all limbs of my body to my head. I was weightless for a second, a tremendous feeling, before then feeling a less pleasant sensation. That is, in fact, the sensation of running directly into a lamppost. I was only slightly screwed, with my whole body tingling with adrenaline as we sprinted up the stairs to Lex’s apartment, before crashing onto his bed and passing out from pure stress.
I awoke a solid 2 minutes later to four concerned faces. As it happens, my friends hadn’t passed out like I had, and may or may not have been slightly alarmed by my seemingly deceased state. But, as it happens, an unconscious 2 minutes were the least of my problems. It turns out that a girl had been raped right outside Lex’s apartment, which was completely despicable – not least because the rapist had done it to some poor stranger but had also tried to peg the blame on one of us by doing it right outside the apartment. When the police arrived, it would be an understatement to say that people were panicking.
The mass hysteria in the air was so unbelievably thick that a few of my friends had simultaneous panic attacks in the same room, and the number of people of this sort only increased when we heard the police ascending the stairs.
It was clear that if the police came in then we were all suitably fucked for underage drinking, and some may even have also been busted for possession of weed. Luckily for us, a divine move was put into play. As a police officer was ascending the stairs, Lex managed to go out there and point them in the direction that the girl had left in, which deterred the police officers and saved each and every one of us. Yes, some weird things happened that night, but even these abnormal decisions wane in comparison to what happens next.
10/05/2019
A Friday starts just like any other Friday would. Wake up, brush teeth, shower, all that good stuff. Walking to school is also normal, which, unfortunately, is mind-numbingly boring. It’s only until Latin, fourth period, that I found out about something happening.
A gathering, hosted by none other than Lex Tomale himself. Not a immense gaggle of people this time but a relatively large crowd, perfect for what I needed. With the events of the last party safely purged from my memory, I was excited about any events tat would follow. After I found out about this event, I decided that it was necessary for me to be there for my goal to be achieved.
So, with my setup of tools and tinkering pieces in my pocket, I employed every strategic manoeuvre that I had in my arsenal to get myself invited to this party.
Suffice to say, it worked; and before I knew it we were all heading out at 4’o’clock, just as school finished, back to lex’s house to get the party started.
Now, seeing as there were far less people this time, the chaos and the mischief of the last party would not quite be there, I hoped. I mean, I wanted the unpredictability of a party to come to life but when that unpredictability becomes so enlarged that no-one wants to do anything for fear of death by impalement, then it’s probably time to perhaps get the fuck out of dodge.
No, this time there was just 12 of us, the perfect number. Or so I thought.
You see, having 8 boys and 4 girls in one room could, just maybe, become quite a source for concern when playing truth or dare on someone’s floor. For example, if one boy in the room liked one other girl in the room, then the chances of another boy liking the same girl are also pretty damn high.
Needless to say, an event like this happening causes friction.
Quite a lot of friction.
There was only really one girl in the room who I had my sights on. This specific girl was called Parlow, but luckily for me I had stopped being a romantic cretin long before this night. My year ten mind has grown and matured into being able to form an actual sentence in front of girls.
So, anyway, we were all playing truth or dare, and it’s all going very well, with some weird dares being exchanged, balancing out everything perfectly. For example, one of my dares was to undo one girl of my choice’s bra and put it back on. I decided not to carry out this act upon Parlow since I isn’t want her to know anything yet, so I settled for my friend Imogen. With no strings attached and a considerable bit of fumbling, I was able to undo her bra and mend it with my deft fingers. Even so, it still comes as a massive shock to this day that I actually undid a girls bra not long before I had my first kiss.
Spin the bottle. It lands on Parlow. Tensions are high, nerves strung like guitar strings – no one wants to be able the recipient of any weird dares, but everybody wants to do something out of their comfort zone. Social equilibrium at its peak.
“Parlow, truth or dare”
“dare”
Friction in the air is so thick you can almost see it. Nobody moves as one of our friends gives her a dare.
“Ok, I dare you to kiss anyone in this room.” Said my friend.
“Anyone?”
“Any boy in this room”
Shit, I think. There’s no way she’ll pick me. There are a multitude of boys in this room who are much more experienced in that department than me.
But for once, just once, my luck suddenly turned upwards in a heartbeat.
“I don’t know guys, I can’t decide which of the boys to choose” she spoke after about 4 seconds.
One of the other girls in this room speaks up. Alice, perhaps the only one who could sense the growing tension in the room, decides wisely to act fast, looks directly at me, nods and says the sentence that would change my life.
“Ok Parlow, if you can’t decide then I’ll do it for you. Go and kiss Tom”
A divine move.
my heart was going so fast that my life expectancy got reduced by about 20 years. I tried not to be speechless so that it didn’t seem that I was too astounded, but when I tried to speak I could only manage basic, primal, noises, like a yelp.
Parlow nodded with a smile, and she drew closer. Each movement she made drawing nearer to me only made me more nervous, sheer survival instincts just stopping me from going supernova before she reaches the seat next to me.
And then, just like that, it happened.
It was just a peck, but a peck was all I needed.
The effect was electric. I had such a look of pasty glee on my face that I could have been mistaken for a heroine addict getting their next fix. I was officially purged of all my burdens, all the demons of the non-kisser had either emigrated from my body or been executed in one simple movement. I stood up faster than you could say “Virginity is cool”. Lights flashed behind my eyes and I was aware that something was probably not right. I just had time to yell “I fucking did it!” Before sprinting to the bathroom. I stayed there for a good 10 minutes, trying not to pass out while holding in ecstatic laughter. I made my way back to the room, where, blessed be me, it was Parlow’s turn again. She chose dare, like last time.
“Ok Parlow. Now, instead of making someone else choose for you, you must choose for yourself. Who in this room would you lips?”
Just put yourself in my shoes for a second. Before this night I didn’t particularly know what a bra looked like, and I had just undone one, and I hadn’t kissed anyone before but now I had. So, little me, contrasting with everyone else in the room for her to choose.
I bet you can imagine my surprise when she looks at me.
The process repeats, and she picks me. My soul has now officially left my body, as she comes over and I obtain the second kiss.
I just want to reiterate that I have no past experience with girls further than hugging. I am quite literally the biggest 15 year old virgin upon planet earth. So now picture this 15 year old, having 2 consecutive kisses from the same girl in a timeframe of about 20 minutes.
After this, there is a little bit more truth or dare before everyone gets tired and we decide to go home. I repeat to Parlow that we are just friends, which she solidly agrees with, and we all head our separate ways.
This day, for Tom Heer, has been quite a rollercoaster ride. It just goes to show that you don’t need a gaggle of 400 people to have a kiss, but you can do it yourself, with a game of truth or dare, in an apartment somewhere in Kingston.
Now, you may also be wondering what that whole sequence above about friction was about, and why it was even relevant if it didn’t happen to me. It turns out that there was a fight, not a massive one, between two boys who both liked a girl but only one of them actually kissed her.
Now, I don’t usually fight, but when my first kiss is hanging in the balance then I would have fought a thousand people to get that one peck that changed everything.
The end
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